A lot of things have been going on since I last updated the website. Typically I embrace life events with indifference; Good or bad, I don’t really put too much thought into what’s going on around my life. I personally view this as a negative of my practiced mindset (mostly influenced by spitball explanations of Stoicism), but that emotional response peaked for the first time in some years this past month.
In July I turned the ripe age of 25. I don’t typically dwell on my age, but over the past three years or so it has become blatantly clear that my life isn’t exactly going as planned. My Girlfriend wants to get married and have kids, but I don’t feel ready until I have a house and a nice job. Obviously, those two goals aren’t exactly short term, but due to the current world economic climate they seem to be further away than ever.
The first step would be to get a better job. Around a year ago my old job shutdown. Obviously not great, but I was prepared and secured a new job in a field with some actual potential for growth, albeit taking a pay cut in the mean time. Since starting, I have constantly given 110% in everything I do. My boss often praises my quality work and dependability. Late June it was announced that my supervisor and manager would be getting promotions, meaning a supervisor position would be ripe for the taking.
After initial hesitations, I submitted my application. With no experience in a leadership position, I was feeling quite hopeless, but my supervisor has been an inspiration (also started from my position), and multiple colleagues had spoken to me about applying, which gave me hope. My interview was okay, but honesty is a double-edged sword. Admitting to a timid nature seemed like a reasonable weakness, but its unwise to assume that someone could know more than you tell them. My intention was to speak freely about my self-confidence while explaining that I have made great strides in overcoming that obstacle in the past few years. Obviously I had proven to be a confident and competent worker, but what I said had turned out to be self-sabotage.
Its hard to hear things like, “I had to think a lot harder about this than I thought I would,” or “I’ve seen you do the work before,” or “you honestly were the most technically capable candidate,” or “I had asked [REDACTED] if we could give you a raise and make you a lead,” but the most obvious evidence of my failure was, “There was just a candidate that was a little more confident than you.” Immediately after my post-interview brief my whole department was introduced to the new supervisor, and that was when the pain began to sting. Someone from an adjacent department has secured the position.
To spare the details, that night my anger made itself clear to me for the first time since I was a child. I was mad at myself for doing poorly in my interview. I was mad at my boss for not realizing the things I had said about being timid were in direct opposition to my actions on the job. I was mad at the new supervisor for doing better than me. I still feel like a failure.
This was the straw to break my emotional back. I have never felt so aware of my hopeless position than right now. I’m stuck in a dead-end position (a lead role isn’t currently being filled within my department), I make less money now than I did two years ago (regardless of inflation), I can’t propose to my vexed girlfriend in my current situation, with interest rates sky-high a house is out of the question, and everyone around me seems better off than me. I haven’t felt this low in a long time.
I often turn to music to help identify my emotions, and my go-to aggressive band is Senses Fail. The album “The Fire” has been great therapy for the past few weeks. The lyrics, “I gotta start living, cause my life’s passing me by,” hit me hard for hopefully obvious reason at this point, but even some other ones like, “I’m so pathetic it makes me sick. I’m a finger-less pianist,” explain my feelings about my guitar progress lately. I have so much I want to do, but I feel trapped, unable to break free.
This was supposed to be a shorter post about how I’m feeling currently, but it turned into something a little different than I thought. I don’t know, I guess the moral of the story is that it’s okay to feel a little hopeless now and then. Regardless of what happens next, I know I’ll be moving forward, no matter the pace. “It’s always darkest just before the dawn”.
I’ll leave this post with the chorus of the title track. Ill see you all next time when I hopefully have a new website feature figured out.